21:33 | June 11, 2017

My relationship with food


“To see my stomach not be as big is worth going hungry for. I wanna see my ribcage, my collarbones and hip bones. I want people to tell me i’m too skinny. That I need to eat more. We will see what happens in a few months. But for now I can’t eat more than two small meals a day.. hoping for the best” 21 September 2011.

This is one of the things I wrote in my journal when I had a horrible relationship with food. It’s not something i’ve been really open with all the time, but it’s not something i’m ashamed of either. Why should I be. Eating disorders comes in so many forms, you don’t have to be just skin and bones to have an eating disorder. I wasn’t. It’s so common and also so important to talk about.

So that’s why I am now sharing this with you. I’m sharing my vulnerable side. And my insecurities. In the hopes that you guys will start talking to each other and me. Reading through my journal from 2011 it’s all bad. I was so sad, alone and felt worthless. I counted calories, I ran until my legs couldn’t hold me anymore. And I self harmed. It wasn’t the fact that people were mean to me in school, maybe part of it. But I just didn’t love myself. I didn’t understand how worthy I was of life. And how amazing I was. It took me years of crying and hating my body to get to where I am today. I thought everyone around me was a competition, even my own sister. If she didn’t eat pasta I couldn’t eat pasta. If my friend didn’t eat bread, I didn’t eat it. And it went on like this for a long, long time. Of course things in school caused my insecurity too, a substitute teacher called me a bitch in front of the whole class room. Other girls spit as I walked out the door. Eventually I went to a physiologist when my mom found my tumblr that was filled with skin and bones and encouragement to self harm, in every way possible. I can’t remember how long I talked to her, but I remember that I never felt like it helped. The only thing we talked about was my friends and my relationship with them. When the problem was rooted so deep inside of me. Everyone kept saying high school would be my years. Where I would fit in. It was definitely better but 2013 was still a year filled with tears and self hate. But it was also where things changed for me.

” .. Today I am far away from loving my body 100% (will that day ever come?) and I still fall back into that pattern, but today I resist. Today I know that I am so much more than just my body. Even though I still doubt myself sometimes I now know that I am enough. No matter what size my body is or if my hip bones are visible or not. Today I am applauding myself. Because today i’m not hurting myself anymore, or hating myself or my body. Today i’m thanking my body and my heart. Because I always keep fighting. I keep loving and i’m proud of my scars. Never give up, Matilda”

It is now 2017 and I can still feel insecurities, sometimes my stomach feels bloated, I feel like my arms are mushy. But then I remind myself that I am so much more than my body. I am my personality, my passions, my family. I am everything but my body. My body is a shell but it is whats on the inside that, at the end of the day makes me who I am. I still remember how many calories an egg has, or a glas of milk. I’ve learnt that food is something the body needs, it is energy and it is love. It is something you need to survive! For me going out for a walk helps me when i’m stressed or when i’m sad. Before I would take it out on myself, now I go out in the nature and remind myself that I am absolutely perfect, in my own way. And that i’m inspiring others to accept themselves and to love themselves. And that for me, is everything I need.

Things that have helped me

x Being surrounded by positive and loving people. No matter what you are going through, down falls or success you need people around you who believe in you and who support you. I’ve learnt the hard way that some people are bad vibes, and you never want bad vibes in your life. ALWAYS good vibes. Surround yourself with good people who spread positivity.

x Don’t be afraid to talk. You should never be ashamed of what you’re feeling or what going on inside your head. Talk to your friends, your family. It’s important and it will help both you and the ones around you. And if you ever feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to, message me.

x Learn that food is something that is vital for your body and your mind. Food = love. It’s something social and yummy. Wheat won’t make you fat. Chocolate won’t make you fat. Dairy won’t make you fat.

x Learn what works for you! Everyone is different. Food works in different ways for people. For example, my tummy is really sensitive. So I can’t eat too much of a few different things. While my friend can eat that food in big portions. Don’t stress about it, we are all different.. and that takes me to the next thing.

x Don’t compare yourself to other people! We are all built and shaped different. Which is amazing! That’s what makes us unique.

x Love yourself. Your body needs to be fueled with love and positivity. Learn to love the things you usually worry about. Applaud yourself when something goes well. And applaud yourself for always fighting and moving forward. Every step forward is a step in the right direction, an accomplishment. And accomplishments need to be celebrated!

37 Responses to “My relationship with food”

  1. Isabela on

    You are my faaavorite blogger EVER. So kind and beautiful inside and out✨ Definitely feel like you’re so down to earth. Don’t you ever change.💘

  2. martamiecznikowska on

    I have problems with my stomach since I’ve been taking pills for acne and birth control in the same time 2 years ago. They just destroyed my body, I had headaches, felt bloated (even +10cm girth) and couldn’t even walk sometimes. Even though I was skinny all that time, my stomach looked awful (despite healthy diet). I started to hate myself and feel ugly, I thought I will never recover from all this side effects. 10 months destroyed my body for 2 years. Now I’m trying to stick to my diet, exercise and I hope I will go back to normality.
    It’s really important to share that kind of stories and love our bodies!

  3. Azure on

    Så viktigt att prata om problematik med maten och verkligen starkt av dig att dela din egen historia!! Är säker på att ett sånt här inlägg med positivitet gör stor skillnad för många tjejer därute❤️❤️❤️

  4. Teo on

    Som person med ätstörning är detta inlägget väldigt riggande för mig. Jag måste säga det.
    Jag vet att oavsett vad vi säger eller inte säger, vad vi gör eller inte gör, så kommer det finnas någon som känner sig provocerad.
    Men.. jag måste kunna säga hur jag känner, precis som det står i en av punkterna ovan.

    Sen är det väldigt svårt för mig att tycka att det här inlägget kommer får hjärtat. Med tanke på att du lägger bilder på din kropp. Som kanske får tjejer som mig att tjäna att de inte passar in. att de är långt ifrån skönhetsidealen. Att de måste svälta sig själva för att komma ditt du är idag…

  5. #louisemjonsson on

    Hej! De vore jätte gulligt om du ville svara på en fråga på min blogg, nämligen när du läser bloggar, vilken tidpunkt. På så sätt kan vi alla hjälpas åt att veta när man ska publicera sina inlägg! Hoppas du får en fin dag! Kram 😊

  6. Matildadjerf on

    Tråkigt att höra att du inte tror att detta kommer från hjärtat, det var väldigt svårt för mig att skriva. Jag svälte inte mig själv för att komma dit jag är idag, och det tror jag alla som följer mig vet. Jag har varit väldigt öppen med min kost, att jag äter exakt vad jag vill. Detta har varit en kamp i många år och sånna här kommentarer som frågesätter det är så nedvärderande. Tänk vad vi alla skulle kunna peppa och lyfta varandras istället för att frågesätta varandra. Vi är ett stort team!! Jag lägger ut bilder i bikinis för att jag idag är tomt hur långt jag kommit och för att jag idag har en hälsosam syn och relation på mat. Som jag delar med mina följare! Och det är det vanligaste kommentaren jag får, att människor känner igen sig i min kropp och förstår att alla kroppar är Pergeman oavsett storlek. De som följt mig ett tag vet att allt jag gör kommer ifrån hjärtat. Hoppas du mått bättre inom en snar framtid! Kram

  7. Natalie on

    Wow I can’t explain how much I appreciate what you have said I look at you and think ur amazing and wouldn’t think u felt like that I think like that every day eat good binge is a daily struggle for me I bee to the doctor who wanted me to take tables but don’t think this week help I can relate to everything you said i compare myself to everyone and think y can’t I be like that I have lost friends thanks agin 😘😘

  8. Carlota on

    Doll!!!😍😍 I love this post because it lets us to be close to you! I would like to tell you the most important in life is LIVE! and for me LIVE is enjoy all the nature offers us, loving our family, boyfriend, friends! And of course being security in our imperfections because I’m sure that they make us unique! 💕💕

  9. rakeles on

    Jag är så tacksam för att du delar med dig av det här, så himla viktigt att du vågar prata om det. Läste igenom kommentarerna och jag måste faktist säga att jag som själv haft en ätstörning inte tyckte att det var triggade, men jag vet att när jag var sjuk blev jag triggad oavsett vilket sett man skrev om ätstörningar. Är man sjuk så letar man efter anledningar att fortsätta vara det, det är precis därför det är så svårt att ta sig ur det. Att du idag mår bra i dig själv värmer att höra, och jag älskar hur du sprider ordet om att älska sig själv och sin kropp. Alla ser olika ut och det precis det som är så fint, var och en är fin på sitt sätt. Xx

  10. Miryam on

    Dear lovely, you were one of my biggest inspirations for my clothing line! Because everything you wear has Personality! I would not complain about my Body but still there coming thoughts to my mind like: your legs are not Skinny enough and i try losing weight until 45 kilogramm but when i founded your Blog i got more confident, because your Body was the Most beautiful and seeing you was and is the greatest Inspiration! I even showed my boyfriend! And i decided to have an Natural normal sized model for my Fashion! So just know what you are doing matters -it brought me Here! Maybe i can afford me to work with you as model somedsy could you Imagine? ? Love from Germany, Miri

  11. Annsofie on

    Så ung och klok❣Jag är dubbelt så gammal som dig men bara älskar din blogg och finner den väldigt inspirerande. Härligt att du delar med dig och att du skriver om ett sådant viktigt ämne. Och dina bikinis, bara älskar dom💕💕Har två stycken🙈Heja dig!

  12. Matildadjerf on

    Hej fina tjejen <3 ja visst är det så. Ätstörningar är det svåraste som finns 😟 Usch vad det är hemskt, och så svårt att ta sig ur. Allt runt om blir triggande som du säger. Tack snälla för dina fina ord, det betyder så himla mycket för mig. Jag hoppas att du också funnit ro i dig själv och din kropp, så viktigt för ett lyckligt liv. Vi är ju så vackra oavsett storlek på våra kläder! skickar massa kärlek och styrkekramar till dig! xx

  13. Matildadjerf on

    Hi love, thank you so much for writing this to me! WOW, what a lovely message to wake up to. I’m so glad I made you feel those positive things. You are so beautiful regardless of your clothing size, don’t forget that! I am so happy you are sending out a positive message with you clothing label, wow good on you!! I would love to help out later on! Lots of love coming your way you inspiring girl <3

  14. Matildadjerf on

    Åh vilken fantastiskt meddelande! Tack snälla att du tog dig tid att skriva detta <3 blir så inspirerad och fylld med kärlek! OCH vilken grej att du har två!! bästa känslan <3 <3 massa massa kramar!!!

  15. Matildadjerf on

    Thank you so much angel <3 Oh no.. I hope you find peace with yourself and your body. You are so gorgeous, even if you’re a size 1 or 12. Don’t forget that! Its all about your personality and you aura. If you ever need help och pep talk, just message me! You are so unique and important! <3 <3

  16. chéri on

    wow.. I’ve just gone through 28 pages of your blog and I’ve never felt more comfortable with myself after looking at a blogger. I’m not putting other bloggers down, as well, I’m not putting you down. But the only women I ever see represented in media is either a stick thin model (which some people are born like that, but most media influencers are not) or full figured modeling. There is no in between. I am a size 4, quite small huh! not when it compares to insta models or magazine models…I’m chubby and fat to them. You are amazing, never change! keep posting your adorable and cute bod in swimsuits, strappy dress, short skirts, boxy things – anything you desire! it is the biggest inspiration to me.
    I love you style, aesthetic, vibe – everything. xoxo, from san francisco.

    • matildadjerf on

      THIS <3 thank you so much. I truly hope that the modelling world will change, and thankfully it's starting to happen. Young people need to see all different shapes and sizes. I'm a size xs/s but some people will still call me curvy etc. It's important to realise that we are all so beautiful, different sizes, hair colors, skin colors and all. Thankfully we are all so different! how boring would it be otherwise. Sending you endless amounts of love and positivity! Keep on doing YOU xx And enjoy san fran for me!! ADORE it there xxx


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