“To see my stomach not be as big is worth going hungry for. I wanna see my ribcage, my collarbones and hip bones. I want people to tell me i’m too skinny. That I need to eat more. We will see what happens in a few months. But for now I can’t eat more than two small meals a day.. hoping for the best” 21 September 2011.
This is one of the things I wrote in my journal when I had a horrible relationship with food. It’s not something i’ve been really open with all the time, but it’s not something i’m ashamed of either. Why should I be. Eating disorders comes in so many forms, you don’t have to be just skin and bones to have an eating disorder. I wasn’t. It’s so common and also so important to talk about.
So that’s why I am now sharing this with you. I’m sharing my vulnerable side. And my insecurities. In the hopes that you guys will start talking to each other and me. Reading through my journal from 2011 it’s all bad. I was so sad, alone and felt worthless. I counted calories, I ran until my legs couldn’t hold me anymore. And I self harmed. It wasn’t the fact that people were mean to me in school, maybe part of it. But I just didn’t love myself. I didn’t understand how worthy I was of life. And how amazing I was. It took me years of crying and hating my body to get to where I am today. I thought everyone around me was a competition, even my own sister. If she didn’t eat pasta I couldn’t eat pasta. If my friend didn’t eat bread, I didn’t eat it. And it went on like this for a long, long time. Of course things in school caused my insecurity too, a substitute teacher called me a bitch in front of the whole class room. Other girls spit as I walked out the door. Eventually I went to a physiologist when my mom found my tumblr that was filled with skin and bones and encouragement to self harm, in every way possible. I can’t remember how long I talked to her, but I remember that I never felt like it helped. The only thing we talked about was my friends and my relationship with them. When the problem was rooted so deep inside of me. Everyone kept saying high school would be my years. Where I would fit in. It was definitely better but 2013 was still a year filled with tears and self hate. But it was also where things changed for me.
” .. Today I am far away from loving my body 100% (will that day ever come?) and I still fall back into that pattern, but today I resist. Today I know that I am so much more than just my body. Even though I still doubt myself sometimes I now know that I am enough. No matter what size my body is or if my hip bones are visible or not. Today I am applauding myself. Because today i’m not hurting myself anymore, or hating myself or my body. Today i’m thanking my body and my heart. Because I always keep fighting. I keep loving and i’m proud of my scars. Never give up, Matilda”
It is now 2017 and I can still feel insecurities, sometimes my stomach feels bloated, I feel like my arms are mushy. But then I remind myself that I am so much more than my body. I am my personality, my passions, my family. I am everything but my body. My body is a shell but it is whats on the inside that, at the end of the day makes me who I am. I still remember how many calories an egg has, or a glas of milk. I’ve learnt that food is something the body needs, it is energy and it is love. It is something you need to survive! For me going out for a walk helps me when i’m stressed or when i’m sad. Before I would take it out on myself, now I go out in the nature and remind myself that I am absolutely perfect, in my own way. And that i’m inspiring others to accept themselves and to love themselves. And that for me, is everything I need.